We laugh often at peer support meetings. Humor is a healthy, positive way of coping with a difficult situation. None of these is intended to be offensive or demeaning to older adults. They are intended to lighten your load. Enjoy!
GROW OLD ALONG WITH ME
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
WHAT I HAVE
I have had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees,
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes,
Am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia,
Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, Have lost all my friends,
But.....Thank Heaven I still have my DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!
HYMNS FOR THE OVER 50 CROWD
1. Precious Lord, Take My Hand, and Help Me Up
2. It is Well with My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
3. Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
4. Just a Slower Walk with Thee
5. Count your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
6. Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
7. Give Me the Old Timers' Religion
8. Blessed Insurance
9. Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked
"I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved." -Rose Kennedy
TWO OLD LADIES
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
Did you hear about the elderly gentleman who streaked through a flower show?
He won 1st prize for a dried arrangement!
DIVORCING AFTER 45 YEARS
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
1. Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your cane.
3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
5. Maturity is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no,
and when to say WHOOPEE!
6. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
7. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
8. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
9. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
10. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
11. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
12. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don't recognize you.
13. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.